Standing Alone

standing alone

One of the most difficult challenges I face in my life is that it is often only me, standing alone, fighting for and defending myself.

My brother is a difficult person to deal with.  He is simply incredibly rude and mean to me, and I am supposed to accept it.  I am supposed to accept his shortcomings and be the better person.  He is not held accountable for what he does and doesn’t do to me.  No one defends me to him.  And I get tired of standing alone.

Most of the time I just think of myself as an only child.  I know the issue is perpetuated by my parents.  When I lived away and he lived here, I know they were always bragging about me and more excited to see and talk about me then him.  Now, the situation is reversed.  Instead of always hearing how great it was that I took them in for eight long months, let them live here rent free and utility payment free with full HD cable in four different rooms, no one ever talks about how great that was.

What do people talk about?  What do they talk about?  How he sends them plane tickets to come visit him in Scottsdale.  How he paid for them to attend his wedding.  Who paid for his rehearsal dinner?  Yup, no one remembers that.  No one brags about that.

In case you were curious, it was me.  For about 30 people, at a restaurant with no preplanned menu to reduce costs or special alcohol/drink plan.  No one asked me to.  No one expected me to.  But I did.  And not for the glory, not for someone to brag about it, but because it was the right thing to do.  I did it quietly, not to bring the attention to the fact I paid for it.  I don’t want the glory, but I would like a little respect for it.

Who planned and paid for his wedding reception for the local family here?  Who gave everyone an opportunity to share in that joy here?  Those that weren’t invited to his wedding or said that couldn’t afford to travel to San Diego (yes, you aunt/sister J with your $200,000 in cash in the bank that we all know about because it’s all you ever talk about)?  Probably no one remembers it.  And by the way, that person didn’t have a job at the time.  That person just wanted to do something nice for you.  So, it was just at a park.  I don’t have the room here for that large a group.  Plus, it gave everyone a ton of activities to participate in.  It wasn’t fancy, it didn’t call attention to you; I know you don’t like that.  I was cognizant of that fact.

And hey, there were fireworks at the end.

I heard later you didn’t want it.  I heard everyone did it for me.  Well, trust me, I did it for you. There were a ton of different ways I could have spent that money on me.  For things I needed or wanted.

It’s because of this and what he said to me the next day, that I am just done with him.  I am tired of defending myself for whatever wrong he thinks I did to him.  He is continuously mean and rude to me.  I don’t have the time anymore.

He just isn’t worth it.

It’s not worth it.

There is an IT guy at work who is difficult to work with.  Everyone says so.  No one likes dealing with him.  And it’s supposed to be okay.

Our company is very small.  There isn’t anyone else to go to.  If I try to, the issue ends up with him anyways and now there is someone else involved and the IT guy is hurt.

But he is rude, condescending, and any problem ends up being my fault.  I can speak, yell, scream until I am blue in the face that I didn’t touch that 3 screens buried in setting that caused all these problems, and yet he will insist it is. He does this to everyone.

My laptop is two versions behind on Microsoft Office than everyone else’s.  No one cares.  The file corruption/transition problems between constantly switching between my version and everyone else’s, my fault, too.  But I don’t have the ability to upgrade that without the software or key information.  He has no time to help me.

And I am supposed to accept it.

And I get in trouble for refusing to go to him with problems anymore and for looking for solutions and other ways to do things that don’t involve him.  It hurts his feelings.

But no one tells him how wrong he is.  He isn’t coached to speak more appropriately to people, especially women.  And I hate to make that an issue, but it is his, not mine.

But what about my feelings about the way he speaks to me? What about the fact I have to walk away for the rest of the day and finish my work outside of normal hours because I can’t do anymore right then because he has hurt me?

Is it because I don’t whine and complain about it like he does?

No one defends me.  He isn’t held accountable for the way he behaves. I am tired of dealing with him and how he makes me feel.  I am tired of getting in trouble for what he doesn’t do because I find an alternate solution around him.

He isn’t worth it.

It’s just not worth it.

Jack’s father blaming me for all the harassment?  All the harassment that his evil psycho bitch fake Facebook fiancé created and made it so I looked like an ass and like I did it, there was no one to defend me.  No one but me.

I can’t even discuss all that anymore.  But know while I can move past the other two examples above, this one will never go away.  It was too painful, too embarrassing, too public.

So very wrong.  So targeted by someone I don’t even know.  By people I don’t even know.

She isn’t worth it.  In fact, she is the most disgusting, disturbed person I have ever heard of.  She needs help.

He isn’t worth it.

It isn’t worth it.

And because of all this, I don’t feel worth it.  I don’t feel I have the energy to defend myself anymore.

What’s the point of always standing alone, defending yourself?  It’s lonely, it’s sad, it wears you down.

You cry.  You’re hurt.

No one defends you.

People besides me need to be held accountable for their behavior.  They need to be responsible for their own actions.

I am tired of defending myself when I shouldn’t have to.

I am tired of having to be the better person and rise above it.  All the time.  I have no one to lean on, no one to support me, and it’s lonely here where I am.  I have no one to build me up when these things happen.

I am tired of hurting.

I am tired of standing alone.

5 responses to “Standing Alone

  1. This is actually very interesting. I’m thinking the situation between me and my sister. I’m thinking it on both ends. And…as much as I try, I cannot solve the equation. I have always been the girl who HAS to be nice to everyone. No one asks me, but I feel like I can’t do otherwise. That’s why I am so weak to protect myself. And it’s just not about my sister. I’s about every people who I meet. They can so easily hurt me, because I allow them to. We are very similar, you and me. Still, so different. :) But I see you have tried standing and HAVE stood for yourself. Believe me, I’ve done and tried it too.
    (I’m not gonna say ‘haters keep on hating’, because it is an absolute cliche. Or at least I hate it…:D And it doesn’t do anyone any justice.)

    I do like your blog! Keep writing, I’ll follow.

      • I just really wish you wouldn’t give up. Show those fuckers(forgive my expression) what you’re able, and that you don’t need their shit.

  2. “I have no one to lean on, no one to support me, and it’s lonely here where I am. I have no one to build me up when these things happen.”

    You know what? I’m trying to but you’re not letting me. Maybe you need someone closer. Maybe it’s because I’m just some weird dude with a stormtrooper icon whom you don’t know. Maybe you don’t trust me. Maybe it’s because I’m a man. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

    It’s kind of frustrating to continually reach out and be told that there’s nothing I can do for you then read something like this.

  3. No, you shouldn’t. And yet life so rarely gives us what we ‘should’ have. And sadly we are each only in control of our own behaviour. But you can choose how you respond to these people, and it sounds as though you’re making good choices.

    I hope you have good people, nice people to speak to and to support you. If not, you may need to consider seeking some out to try to redress the balance.

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